funny 2017

tonight...true film's christmas special 2016 ♪ starring disneyland's banjo virtuoso doug mattocks comedian dick hardwick jay potter as the disgruntled north pole employee "velvet pianist" jon england with breathtaking renditions of classic holiday songs. benjamin arsenault as the good worker elf sara marie as glenda from mrs. claus' executive staff

teon kelley doing a multi-part performance of a christmas classic and a surprise appearance by someone we all know and love during the holidays. i'm your host bob schmidt enjoy christmas forwards and sideways and upside down. in the woods and in the city and with more snow than you can shovel. on our christmas special 2016 [wind blowing] [footsteps in snow approaching]

hello, i am glenda i am mrs. claus' executive assistant, recently promoted to supervisor of the elf workshop. now, without further adieu i would like to introduce the one ... the only ... mr. claus! the one, and only ... ho. ho. ho. [splat]

you're not santa! yes i am! i work with you! well, i'm santa now [beep] what are you doing here? he's gone! i'm filling in. what do you mean he's gone? gone where? he's done.

he's left us. he's left us all. he's gone! [teeth chattering] what do you mean, what happened? i have to text mrs. claus. oh, you want to know what happened? i'll tell you what happened. he's, he's given up. he's done. he's tired of all the [beep]. all the people killing other people.

cheating other people. look at the news! this world's gone to [beep]. [beep] despicable! what about christmas morning? i mean... you can't fit down the chimney! yes i can. here's santa! merry christmas!

ho. ho. [beep] ♪ the city can be nice during the holidays, with all the lights and the magic... but let's take you to colorado where our friend dick hardwick has his own unique take on the classic poem... over the river and through the woods hey this is dick hardwick and my old buddy doug mattocks here and

we were just reminiscing about christmas of long time ago. i mean even when we were kids it seemed more "christmasy" than it does now-a-days with all the... well, you know they start selling christmas products at around... i think fourth of july don't they? [laughs] you know it used to be over the river and ... through the woods to grandmother's house we go?

now-a-days it would be more like... [banjo playing] [hums out of tune] ♪ohhh ... down the turnpike♪ ♪and through the toll gate♪ ♪to step-grandmother's house we go.♪ ♪we'll eat frozen turkey and some bubba's beef jerky♪ ♪and some french's instant mashed potatoes♪ ♪ohhhhhhh♪

♪yes...♪ ♪over the speedbump♪ ♪and past the guard gate♪ ♪parked next to that pink flamingo♪ [♪banjo strums♪] ♪and grandma will heat up dinner♪ ♪in the microwave♪ ♪not in the...♪ ♪stove.♪

[♪banjo strums♪] ♪ohhhhh♪ happy holidays everybody! [laughter] jon england has been compared to a modern-day liberace. a master pianist. he brings his amazing talent to thisclassic christmas tune. ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ [crescendo]

♪♪ [we wish you a merry christmas] [♪trumpets flourish♪] [announcer] coming up next... 'twas the night before christms like you've never seen it. with me, bob schmidt and later, disneyland's doug mattocks strums the classic o holy night on his 5-string banjo. ♪[oh christmas tree]♪ welcome back to ourchrismas special

[announcer] i'd like to tell you a tale deep in the woods. on the most magical night of them all. [footsteps in snow] ♪ 'twas the night before christmas, when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. the stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that saint nicholas soon would be there. the children were nestled all snug in their beds,

while visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads. and mamma in her ‘kerchief, and i in my cap, had just settled our brains for a long winter nap. [fire crackling] [winter wind] when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, i sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. [sound of window opening] away to the window i flew like a flash,

tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. the moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below. when, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer. with a little old driver, so lively and quick, i knew in a moment it must be st nick. more rapid than eagles his coursers they came, and he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"now, dasher! now, dancer! now, prancer and vixen! on, comet! on, cupid! on, donner and blitzen! to the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! now dash away! dash away! dash away all!" [♪music builds♪] as dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky. so up to the house-top the coursers they flew, with the sleigh full of toys, and saint nicholas too.

and then, in a twinkling, i heard on the roof the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. as i drew in my head, and was turning around, down the chimney st nicholas came with a bound. [twinkling bells] he was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. a bundle of toys he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

his eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry! his cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! his droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard of his chin was as white as the snow. the stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath. he had a broad face and a little round belly, that shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly! he was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

and i laughed when i saw him, in spite of myself! a wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know i had nothing to dread. he spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk. and laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose! he sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

but i heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight, "merry christmas to all, and to all a good-night!" [announcer] now jump in your sleigh and head up the hills toward the north pole, where santa is m.i.a. [foot tapping] [screams] you're a horrible santa! you're supposed to befull of holiday joy and cheer.

i'm taking [beep] liberties. this is empty? the kids need presents for christmas. oh you want [beep] presents? okay. all right. how 'bout ... here's some good presents. life lessons! huh? just don't be a [beep] that's just a general rule.

how 'bout you don't judge people by the way they look or the color of their hair or their sexual orientation? it's a free [beep] world okay? maybe not. but it's a... [slap] just nice. be nice. [beep]

what the [beep] are you doing? [laughs] i... am texting mrs. claus you are a horrendous santa. you are scarcastic, bitter, angry, lonely, pitiful, you have to be good! a good santa! [sigh] we'll practice. now...

sit. sit! [crunching bones] ow! my [bleep] gout! does he really need to [bleep] sit here? yes. you are a boy at a mall seeing santa now, tell him what you would like for christmas.

i want a toy cart and a race car and some wooden blocks [smack] no. you know what you're gonna [beep] get? you're gonna get some... here's some integrity. yeah. chew on that. how 'bout some common decency? yeah, it tastes good doesn't it?

how about some [beep] love for your [beep] fellow man? you can't play with any of those! you know what? you're a [beep] [beep] [beep} materialistic little [beep]! all right. that's all fine. but, the key about santa is you have to smile. all right? now... [skin stretching] [grunting]

oww [beep] you're worse than my ex-wives! you're not trying! just smile! you want me to smile? give me some [beep] whiskey that will make me smile! did you just fart? [announcer] coming up next on true-film's christmas special 2016... a breathtaking performance of o holy night by classic banjo player doug mattocks

and... there's a rumor up north. welcome back. few modern performers understand the subtle intricacies of the banjo the way that virtuoso doug mattocks does. by all accounts he's one of the best banjo players alive. you may be more accustomed to the four string variety, but you'll notice the fifth string on doug's banjo in this classic performance. [♪o holy night played on banjo♪] ♪we heard it on banjo

o holy night is achristmas classic that deserves to be revisited. this time jon england performs on a grand piano. ♪[o holy night]♪ [announcer] the warmth of a fireplace is soothing on christmas. unless of course, you're an elf at the north pole texting on your cell phone. ♪ [footsteps] you're still santa?

you're [beep] right i am! i'm picking up all of your work back at the shop! did you get my text message? no. i'm an elf. i don't have a cell phone. you're fired. he's back! he's... he's.. he's really back? yes. santa claushas returned! [stutters] what about the reindeer?

they're fine. the sleigh? he upgraded. it's an e-sleigh now. what about the toys? [in unison] he's got toys. i like toys. well, back to work. you're not fired.

see ya at the cubicle. merry christmas... [announcer]dick hardwickand doug mattocks are back incolorado for dick'sslightly twistedvariation on a holiday tale. ♪ hi! this is dick hardwickand my old buddy doug mattocks

and the night beforechristmas, sideways. 'twas the crisp beforenightmas when thehouse through the all not a stir was creepingmouse even a not. the chims hungby stocking with nair with nickle tospare would soonbe hopeless. ♪[snare drum]♪ then out on the lawnunder the mistletoe someone wasplaying thatold banjo. ♪[banjo strums]♪

then appeared tomy stumbling eyedid i wander but a sly anda tenderand eight mighty reign. well, my quickold liverso drively and little. it knew in a nickit must be saint moan. 'cause the wallto the top to the porchto the top as the wild flydry leavesbefore the owl a moon stack of sky. to the mountas i heard witha twink, the poofingand rantingof each mighty paw.

♪♪ well i rounded my turn,i heaped a drew. down the bowncame saint chimwith a nick of me. [ha]he had a drewlittle rumpround up like a bow. the chief of a stumpheld tight in his pipe. he had a belliedfaceand a roundlittle broad. he was eltingand jole.a right rump chub. he worked to his fraughthe was straightto his word. filled his jerky,quinked andstop me not.

when we gavea chim and a whip.and they allwent away with the flu. [cough] but, i heard himexclaim out of drone, chrissy happensto alland to goodan all night. good night! to all a good night. good night. ♪ coming up, we take you to snowy new york city,

and later, a surprise appearance on our 2016 holiday special. [announcer] welcome back. and now we take you to snowy new york city for the first noel sung a cappella in the park by teon kelley ♪noel, noel♪ [harmony]

♪born is the king of isreal♪ ♪the first noel, the angels did say♪ ♪was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they la♪ ♪in fields where they lay keeping their sheep♪ ♪on a cold winter's night that was so deep♪ ♪noel, noel, noel, noel♪ ♪born is the king of israel!♪ ♪they looked up and saw a star♪ ♪shining in the east beyond them far♪

♪and to the earth it gave grea♪ ♪and so it continued both day and night♪ jon england's velvet piano style is perfect for the holidays [horse breathes heavily] ♪ welcome back to true-film's 2016 christmas special we've taken you throughthe woods and through the city, but no matter where you are, you can still feel the spirit of christmas magic in the air. and now, back to the north pole just in time for the big day.

[♪ harmonica playing jingle bells♪] santa? [harmonica] santa? look at the way i'm dressed [laughs] who else would it be? where's your beard? i didn't reckognize you. oh, i'm the new president for the beard club for men i shaved it off until we start delivering presents. because i've been on hiatus as they say.

but everyone's been waiting to start delivering presents they've been in their cubicles looking all over the internet non-stop for you. well, i've been down at the bar at pico and sepulveda you guys out to join me once some time. you know, you're a little uptight these days. no but we've been trying to start christmas we don't even have all the toys ready. what is this?

these are toys that i was going to show you because we used to deliver these many, many years ago you see, this bell tree right here [bells cascade] was made back in the 1700's and these cymbols, [cymbol crash] all hand made people worked their hands to the bone to the knuckles alone.

and there's just one thing i want you guys to know i want to come back, i want a reprieve and i'll bring presents to you and all the boys and girls if you do one thing. pull my finger. [fart noise from mouth] [laughter] i still got it, man!

[bell cascade] [elf feet running away] [chamber door closes] [announcer] thank you for watching true-film's 2016 christmas special. don't forget to check out our super-cool vr 360 bonus videos on this channel. you can watch on your youtube ap or desktop computer without any special hardware. please check out the hundreds of other selections from richard arsenault's wide-ranging shows from hollywood.

and don't forget to listen to me bob schmidt streaming on-line at todaystalk1490.com or if you're ever in la crosse wisconsin catch it live on the radio at 1490 wlfn also visit me on my website at bswithbob.com here's wishing you and your family a very merry christmas and a happy new year